I have to say that I have mixed feelings about “the holiday season.” While I love the beauty of the lights and decorations, it can feel a bit overwhelming and ostracizing to someone who did not grow up celebrating Christmas.
And then what to do when someone wishes me—a Jew—a “merry Christmas”? How to reply?
I have gone through my own evolution on this front. It used to feel very important for me to make a statement that I did not celebrate Christmas, and that in fact, my own holiday of Hanukkah was coming up. When someone wished me a merry Christmas, I used to reply with “Thanks, I’ll have a happy Hanukkah.” Sometimes I’d say this good-naturedly, other times more pointedly, depending on my mood. But what did this really accomplish? Maybe making me feel a little less invisible amidst all the green garlands, but it probably embarrassed the well-wisher more than enlightening them.
Interestingly, being in an interfaith relationship has softened me somewhat and made it easier for me to accept these greetings in the spirit in which they were given. For the first time, I felt like I actually had a personal way to connect to and celebrate Christmas even if it wasn’t my holiday. I would celebrate with my significant other’s family so I didn’t feel so left out. And I didn’t feel disingenuous by accepting a “merry Christmas.”
So what to say during this time? “Happy holidays” is always broad enough to encompass many celebrations. “Happy New Year” can also work for virtually everybody.
Here are my top tips for Holiday Greetings:
1. Try to accept greetings in the spirit in which they are given. If you are not celebrating Christmas, this can be hard to do, but usually the person offering a “Merry Christmas” wants to be friendly. If this makes you feel uncomfortable, see #2.
2. Pick your battles. Pointing out that you or your family celebrate Hanukkah to the cashier in the busy checkout line is not likely to elicit much change on their part. However, if “Merry Christmas” is encroaching in your school or workplace, consider talking with someone in authority. Call them aside at a calm moment to explain how good intentions can actually backfire and make those not celebrating Christmas feel invisible or excluded. Offer some alternatives instead.
3. Consider what is causing the sting for you. Sometimes understanding our reactions can help us manage them. I realized that part of my reaction was due to defining my Judaism as NOT Christmas. When I recognized this, I could shift my focus away from what I’m not and onto what I am, and enjoy Hanukkah and the parts of the holiday season that appealed to me.
4. In an interfaith family, know how your partner wants to handle things. Whether you are the Jewish partner or the partner raised in another faith, what feels inclusive and celebratory to you? To your partner? What feels exclusionary? The holidays can trigger people in unexpected ways, so be sure to communicate with each other ahead of time, and be there to back each other up.
5. Communicate clearly with your extended family members. How will you handle family celebrations and gifts? Is it OK for someone to wish you or your child a “Merry Christmas” if you are attending a family Christmas dinner? Is “Happy Hanukkah” appropriate for everyone at the Hanukkah party, even if some of the guests are not Jewish? Sometimes the setting and circumstances matter.
6. Be conscious and considerate. If you do not know what holiday or holidays someone celebrates, ask them, or use a more generic greeting like “Happy Holidays” or “Happy New Year.”
7. Enjoy! Amidst the craziness that sometimes engulfs the holidays, and the missteps that are bound to happen, remember what is most important to you during this season and celebrate that.