“But We’re So Welcoming!” 

Every few years, the Jewish community finds a new buzzword to guide its community-building work. Outreach. Inclusion. Welcoming. These words express our communal deepest aspirations for how to create communities in which both those at the center and those on the margins can find a place to build friendships, make meaning, learn about Jewish texts and traditions, and mark Jewish lifecycle events. With overuse, however, these words become mere buzzwords, devoid of meaning, and lose their power to inspire us to build communities that represent the full diversity of the Jewish community.  

What is belonging and why does it matter? 

Belonging is at the heart of how we at 18Doors envision our work. It is at the core of how we support clergy, professionals and lay leaders, and the Jewish organizations they lead in their work with multi-heritage couples and families. Belonging is more than just a buzzword at 18Doors. It is our vision for what the Jewish community can look like when everyone has a seat at the table. Belonging matters, because it is literally lifesaving. Casey Plett, in her book On Community, explains that, “Isolation and loneliness are deadly…It’s hard to quantify such experiences, but researchers taking stabs posit that social isolation drags down a person’s mortality as much as alcoholism or smoking.”  In a world that is increasingly fragmented and isolating, all of us need places of belonging, where we know that we are an “integral part of [our] surrounding systems,” as social psychologist Kelly-Ann Allen explains. Belonging is more than welcoming. john powell and Stephen Menendian, in Belonging without Othering: How We Save Ourselves and the World, use this definition that is at the heart of our work: “Belonging confers full and unconditional membership. Belonging occurs when everyone feels as if they are not only welcome, but they are empowered and have a stake and a say. Under belonging, you are fully able to participate in the norms setting, and ideally co-creating the culture and life of the organization.”  

How do we distinguish between “welcoming” and belonging?  

I love to host Shabbat dinners in my home. When I invite someone over for a Shabbat dinner, I will ask them about their dietary needs (and even preferences!) and plan a menu to accommodate. I’ll confirm that they feel comfortable with our dog and greet them warmly at the door when they arrive. Especially when there are guests at my table who may not be as familiar with the Hebrew prayers and Shabbat rituals, I ensure that I have a written copy with transliteration available, and explain what is happening. However, as welcoming as I may be, ultimately, a Shabbat dinner in my home is my space – I create the menu, I determine who is on the guest list, I choose which prayers and rituals we say and how they are said, and set the overall tone for the evening. My home Shabbat dinner is not a co-created space that leads to a sense of belonging for my guests.  

Jewish communal spaces can be places of welcoming without being places of belonging too. Places of welcoming are often very good at greeting newcomers when they arrive, helping them orient to the space, and ensuring that they know what’s going on. Places of belonging go a step further, creating pathways and on-ramps for those on the margins to move into the center, to play a role in shaping the destiny of their community. 

According to the 2020 Pew Study of American Jews, 72% percent of non-Orthodox US Jewish adults married from 2010-2020 are in multi-heritage marriages. However, that same demographic study revealed that 73% of Jews in multi-heritage marriages don’t feel a great sense of belonging in the Jewish community. This statistic is why we at 18Doors do our work, and why so many Jewish clergy, professionals, and lay leaders turn to us for support and professional development. While many corners of the American Jewish community may be good at welcoming, we still have far to go when it comes to deepening a sense of belonging for multi-heritage couples and families.  

How can you make your community a place of belonging? 

Here are some questions to explore with lay leadership, clergy, and professionals in your organization. 

• Which populations or groups within our community already feel that they have a deep sense of belonging? What led to that feeling of belonging?  

• Which groups don’t feel a sense of belonging? What may have led to that lack of a feeling of belonging? 

• How might we create opportunities for multi-heritage couples and families to co-create the life of our community? 

• What do multi-heritage couples and families need to know about our community in order to belong? 

Do you want to work on creating communities of belonging for multi-heritage couples and families in your organization? Email ProfessionalDevelopment@18doors.org  to get started!